Do you ever feel like you just don’t belong in this world? As if everything you touch shatters into deep darkness. I just can’t seem to escape that feeling. Lately people, places and anything around me seems to fall apart. I feel alone and as if am losing touch with reality. These are just feelings and are not fact, but it doesn’t mean they don’t hurt. It doesn’t mean they don’t play on my mind. Over and over again.
If you have ever sunken into a dark place, as many of us have and continue to, you may understand just how hard it can be to bring yourself out of that deep black hole. Yes, there may be a light at the end of the tunnel. I am all about positivity and do believe in the power of positive self-talk, but also know that when you are in the tunnel it can be long, dark and daunting while the light at the end can seem dull and distant – at moments you might even lose sight of it.
Well like many who battle mental illness, this is not the first time I have been in such a dark place; so even though it may be hard, I know I have the strength deep within to carry on. If you’ve been there you know what I mean. A teeny, tiny voice. The other version of you that is your very own cheer squad rooting for the shitty, depressed version of you to keep going even when you truly could not find a fuck in the pond of fucks to give. Sure the cheerleaders may not be in the best form but you can sure as heck hear the light roars and that is enough to keep the fucked up version of yourself going for the foreseeable future.
I truly believe suffering helps you grow. All this shit you go through means something. It’s got to doesn’t it, otherwise what is it all for? Just to make you feel bad? Surely not. I do believe everything happens for a reason. Don’t look for it but in time you may see it.
You must find a purpose within your pain. Accept the distress in your life for what it is; learn and grow from it. Know what you can and can’t control and work around this. Know your limits. Remove negative relationships that aren’t serving you anymore. If you embark upon this kind of self-discovery accept your life may change (for the better) and it might be difficult for others to accept that too. People don’t tend to like change, especially when others around them are getting their shit together while they are still struggling in their life. Despite the illusion social media attempts to portray, the truth is nobody’s life will ever be perfect; all we can do is try our best to make the most of each moment. When dealing with other people you should always be sensitive if dealing with personal issues, even if you are trying to reach out. No matter how good your intentions may be – a person sometimes need to reach their own rock bottom to really make a change in their life. You may know this from experience.
Do you ask the question “why me”? Well I have asked myself this question a number of times. Too many to count. Why am I so different? Was I born this way? Is it how I was raised? Trying to pinpoint things to certain experiences my whole life can become tiresome. So many questions, so many thoughts. Spinning around in my head. Do any of them really matter? I’m trying to live my life more in the present and stop focusing on the past or worrying about the future. I feel like I have lived my whole life on everybody elses terms. I was always a real people-pleaser. Starting to feel resentment and often upset when people did not care for me as I cared for them I withdrew from this role. At first this was hard to do and I still have tendencies but now I understand if I want others to have respect for me I must respect myself first. This is a big one for me. Changing a habit of a life-time and beginning to serve myself (and my dog) instead of every-fucker-else, without an ounce of guilt! I’m still working on that part. Obviously like everything in life, I guess its about finding the right balance.
In case you cannot fully grasp my state of mind as I am writing this post, my first in an annoyingly long time, I am pretty damn chill. I mean yeah the past few months have been rough to say the least but I guess now I’m starting to see the light. The cheers? They’re getting louder. In fact I feel like I have a full squad of tiny cheerleaders jumping on my fingers as I’m typing to make me go faster. But the truth is I have been trapped in a vicious cycle of mental illness and chronic pain. Sometimes I feel like I am trapped within a prison that is both my mind and body. I can’t escape. It is a game. The people around me know how to play it and I don’t. People wind me up. It can feel like torture. I’m locked in. I want to be free. But then I have another side of me. These cheerleaders who are routing for me. The I’m so-chill-laid-kickin-back-havin-a-laugh side of me that sometimes I even forget exists. She used to be the main gal but mental illness got foggy and life got tough. She still comes to hang out. Like she wrote all this shit with the cheerleaders. She’s sweet.
Anyways whoever I may or may not be, I accept that it’s all swings and roundabouts. Sometimes I will be happy and sometimes I will be sad. I think that is perfectly normal for anyone to experience a wide-range of emotions, whether diagnosed with a mental illness or not. However through all my pain, suffering, experience, and inevitably growing I now know that when the storm comes then I will at least be better prepared than the first time it hit. If you know, you know.
Until next time.